when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
