Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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