Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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