If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
