hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
