if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
