Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
