yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
