If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
