you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
