apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
