why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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