So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
