Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
