I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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