I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Randomize
