We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
