If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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