If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
