I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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