I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
