he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
