He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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