is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
They took my balls.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
