I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
