I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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