Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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