They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
