would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize