i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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