The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
