FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
