I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
