I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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