tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
