u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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