you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
