I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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