I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
