I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
