I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
