Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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