whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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