Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
