THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
