he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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