Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
