She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
