is your mom at the bar?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
