Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am mentally ready for anal.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
