mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
