I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize