Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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