new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize