I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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