there's paper in my vomit.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
