tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
