i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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