i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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